God help me

PLSASE!!!!

Day 388 I am done

I just can't do this any more.  The world wins.  I am the loser.

Day 387 God are you there?

Why can't I see or feel you?

Ok God I get it

Thy will be done!  If it means I have nothing, so be it.  It is your will not mine!

Day 386 still here

Too chicken to kill myself today. But, that day is coming.  Suicide ideation is growing stronger.

If I don' t hit the lottery tonight.....

...tomorrow, I am going to end it all. Clean my house and end it all.  Have enough money to buy me a gallon of vodka.  Will attend the 7 pm meeting.  Eat a last good meal and then drink myself into forever obliviion. 

That is it!  Done. I can not do this anymore.

That is it. No more pain.  Goodbye stress and worry.  I am not strong enough to go on any more. 

I  don't want to do this any more.

Day 385 Skipped My 10 AM Meeting

Feel self centered and full of self pity right now. Do I fall off the wagon today or continue on the road of sobriety and misery?  Stay tuned.. Don't know the answer to that question.  I just wish I could shut up the voices in my head for five minutes!!!

Day 383 of Recovey

it has been a hell of a journey. waiting for the Promises to come true. so far, it has been a total bust. my life has gotten worse. how did I end up where I am now? can it get any worse than this? More later. Too tired right now.